My Quest to Find VMA Results Reveals How Poorly the Media Covers this Event

We live in a poignant time. Gone are the apathetic days of Generation X. Today’s emerging teens and adults face a much more charged, polarized society. As a result, there is far more impetus for self-reflection and value definition since the early 1970s (when a nation was divided by the controversial overseas fighting happening between former members of the Beatles.) Despite all the garbage happening in today’s world, the youth might actually be on track for emotional evolution.

And entertainment media hates it and hates me.

The Video Music Awards have always been one part fashion, one part social commentary, and one part recognizing the greatest achievements in audio-visual art. While I don’t watch them live because I am old and still bitter that MTV doesn’t show a lot of videos, anymore, it’s always been a treat to log onto entertainment news sites the morning after and view the videos deemed the best.

But, apparently, media outlets don’t want me to expand my mind culturally in this way. First I went to Yahoo’s home page, trying to find VMA winners, because I love looking at 50 unrelated pictures simultaneously. Yahoo did not have a convenient link to a list of the winners, instead devoting that space to “Demi Lovato rocks see-through shirt at VMAs,” and an entire article devoted to some guy at the VMAs eating a banana.


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Frustrated, I turned to Fox News, hoping they would eschew the liberal media’s coverage and give me some hard winners. Fox News took it a step up by choosing to focus on the social commentary parts of the VMAs.

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But at least they crowded all the “not camera-friendly” people together on stage at once, because I was really worried about having to see everyday people

Still, there was no convenient list of the winners. At least not one I could find. At this point, I decided I needed to turn to a site that purportedly focuses more on hard news stories. Perhaps CNN would have the list I wanted.


I sifted through the toilet that is entertainment media and found gold, not unlike that morning after I pounded a bottle of Goldschlager and needed gas money to get to work

There, tucked between articles about VMA fashion, Taylor Swift, and more VMA fashion, was the teaser I wanted: “The Winners.” I eagerly clicked, plugging in my headphones.

I was greeted with several pages of text. Details of performances by Kendrick Lamar, Katy Perry’s hosting, and more on the social commentaries, including a scathing criticism of Charlottesville by daughter-of-the-most-socially-disconnected-person-of-all-time, Paris Jackson. Still no list of the winners, but I get it, you have to frame hard data with human interest content. Still excited, I scrolled down. Taylor Swift’s new video was posted, even though it didn’t win any awards. Refusing to be disheartened, I took this as a good sign that the forthcoming list of winners would have easily clickable videos.
If the list was actually forthcoming, at all. After reading another page of text about Pink’s speech and the name-change of the award statue from Moonman to Moon Person, I was beginning to have serious doubts that anyone in the journalistic world had actually recorded the results.

But, lo and behold, the results list came next. By “next” I mean “after a review of the funniest tweets about Katy Perry’s stiff hosting performance.” But it was there, I was finally going to know ALL the winners, I was-

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The list was clearly an afterthought- No links to the videos, no apparent order (best-in-show award “Video of the Year” was in the middle of the list). The winners weren’t even bolded, the author couldn’t even be bothered to click control B.

The Moonman Moon Person had the right idea: I no longer want to live on this planet.

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